


Hard Times

by tinasnewt



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 12:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13927542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinasnewt/pseuds/tinasnewt
Summary: Tina questions her religion and her sanity.





	Hard Times

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t meant to offend anyone, it’s purely just an idea I’ve had.

You wouldn't call it an existential crisis, really. More of a questioning of every single thing she'd believed in for the past thirty years. 

It'd started because of one simple thought that slipped into her mind as she was drifting asleep, a thought that stuck to her like old gum on a shoe. A thought that kept her awake until light shone through the sheer curtains. A thought that reflected onto her work, something her colleagues surely noticed as she grew more quiet and abstracted as time went by. Newt noticed, of course, but he could never coax an answer out of her. 

It wasn't until one night, when the sky was the darkest shade of black, that she finally let things loose, tired of hearing the same thought repeat over and over in her head. "Are you awake?" She whispered into the dark, wincing at the loud tone her voice seemed to carry. 

A shift, then a mumble. Tell-tale signs that he was awake. "What is it, love?" He murmured into his pillow, turning to face her. Her face held a haunted, blank, almost misty look, her eyes pure proof that her mind was in other, darker places. "Are you alright?" He asked, growing slightly concerned. 

"Alright," she repeated quietly- not in a mocking way, more of a questioning way. "I don't know." Her voice was a heavy whisper now, the only noise in the room. Everything that followed was a thick silence that seemed to choke her, ridding her of any air, before she could think of a proper answer. "I don't think I've been alright for a while."

Tina's sudden mood seemed melancholic to Newt, but he knew, deep down, that she'd been feeling this way for weeks. The anguish behind her answer crushed him, all he'd ever wanted to do was protect her, and it seemed as if whatever had been perplexing her for so long was out of his grasp, something he couldn't fix, which was an uncommon predicament. He was always able to fix things, even things that seemed impossible to fix. However, none of them were human, and none of them were Tina. She wasn't a broken toy, no, she was a real, living creature- but not one he knew everything about. Yes, they were married, but neither of them knew everything about each other. It was one of the bittersweet things, every day they'd find something out about the other that they didn't possibly know. This particular day, Newt had found out Tina had an acquired taste for The Daily Prophet, but didn't believe any of the astonishingly fake stories.

"Tina, what's troubling you?" Newt asked, his voice soft, attempting to envelope her in a comforting embrace, an embrace that was neither returned nor acknowledged. She was too lost in her thoughts then, thoughts she'd fought so hard to push away, but couldn't, no matter how much she tried. The guilt of having these thoughts was a heavy weight on her shoulders. She knew her sister would be disappointed in her, as they were both raised with the same practices and beliefs. No, don't be silly, Tina told herself. Queenie would understand, she'd be able to help.

She knew that any mention of what was really vexing her would worry him, but she considered herself to be a terrible liar, and in this state she wouldn't be able to come up with a clever enough or believable enough lie.

"Do you think God is real?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. Her question took Newt aback; this was rarely something they discussed. They both had differing views, but never let that get in the way of anything. The only time they'd even mention it was in December, when both of them had separate holidays to celebrate, in which they celebrated together. Religion wasn't a shaky topic to them. They both just accepted they were raised differently, never truly acknowledging the fact that something people took very seriously was something they had differing views about.

His answer was delayed as he tried to think of one that wasn't too blunt, but was comforting all the same. He was never good with words, and at these moments he cursed himself for it. "I... well, you and I were both taught that He is. But neither of us contain the wisdom to truly know, none of us do. Why are you inquiring about such a thing so late at night?" His arms wrapped tighter around her, a feeble attempt to make Tina feel better. 

Tina hesitated before speaking again, her mind whirl winding even more. She felt as if she was going crazy, felt as if she sounded crazy, and even though he would never admit it, she could sense that Newt thought she was going off the wall (he didn't, she was just assuming. He was worried about her, after all. Just worried.). Tina swallowed and began to elaborate how she felt."I just... I don't feel connected to Him, if I can't speak to Him. It's so grueling, day after day, practicing my 'faith' and getting little to nothing in return. When I was younger, when Ma and Pa grew ill, I asked Him to make them better, and they only got worse, and then they... and then they died."

Newt only nodded in response, not knowing how to answer his clearly devastated wife, who seemed impossible to calm. He wanted nothing but to help her; this particular case, however, was beyond anything he could even begin to think of a solution for. Knowing she was thinking like this and for Tina to be having such distressing thoughts broke his heart beyond belief. He only wanted her to feel happiness, and she was so clearly not happy.

His incapability to answer made Tina grow increasingly distressed. "Do you feel the same way, or do you even understand?" She asked, desperate for an answer. "Do you know why I feel this way? Am I going crazy? I'm scared, Newt, is there something wrong with me? Am I broken?"

Her distress made his heart ache, Newt hated to see her as scared and pained as she was now. "You're not going crazy, love. I'm sure you're just in an odd mood," He reassured her, even though he wasn't so certain himself. Tina wasn't like this, she didn't stress over such minuscule things like religion. They were such tiny things compared to bigger crises, especially since she was an auror.

"He's supposed to make everything better," she stated, a hand pressed to Newt's chest, looking up at him in dismay. "Everything isn't better." Her eyes were wide with confusion. 

"Well, He isn't perfect. Just look at us humans... Are we perfect? The answer is: no. We're incredibly flawed. Along with creatures. As much as I love them, all of my creatures are 'imperfect' as well. Maybe He's just making a mistake, accidentally causing you pain or... I'm terribly sorry, I'm not good at this, I'm probably making it worse..."

Tina blinked. Once, twice, three times. "It's like... I feel full, like I don't have room to care for something as large as that in my life. Only some big things and some little things. Like you. I can care about you a great deal, then Queenie, then work, then all the little things that mean so much, but they don't matter as much as the other, grander things. And then I feel full. All done, almost. Complete, maybe. And I know it's so bad to feel this way, to not believe, and I'm going to go to Hell, if there even is one- I mean, look at me, I'm a mess! I know what I believe is real, yet I still question it. I shouldn't be questioning it. I should be embracing it, I should, but here I am, querying to know if it's real or not."

An answer was just about to escape Newt's lips before he stopped himself. What could he say to comfort her? She had such impossible questions- who was he to answer them? "Tina, dear, I'm fairly certain you aren't going to go to Hell just because you're questioning your faith. Besides, we've sinned far worse. By being wizards. I think we're at a bit of an unfair end, here."

He was hoping to get a chuckle from her, maybe even a slight smile, but to his dismay, neither were achieved. Newt racked his mind for the words to help her, to soothe her, to make her feel better, and finally his mind grasped one thought. "No one sees the world the same way you do. We all have these twisted, weird visions of what it's like. So maybe, just maybe, you're beginning to view the world in your own way, instead of how you were taught to. I promise that isn't bad- in fact, it's quite good to become independent. Even if people tell you, or told you, it's wrong. I can assure you there is nothing wrong with changing the way you think. The only 'wrong' thing here is that you're terribly upset, and nothing I do seems to be helping. You know it pains me to see you like this, and usually I'm not so... outspoken about how I feel, but if you're feeling bad I'm feeling bad."

"Well, that is true, it's how we work," Tina replied, picking at her cuticles. "And you're right, people do change, but this change is so... so wrong that I-"

Newt pressed a finger against her lips and shushed her. "You're not doing anything wrong, love. You're exploring yourself and your thoughts and beliefs. It's perfectly normal to do so at your age. Just try to get some rest, love, I'll wake you in the morning to make sure you're not feeling crummy."

"Oh, all right," Tina mumbled, not thoroughly convinced but tired all the same. She pressed her head on Newt's chest and fell asleep to the thump of his heartbeat.

Tina’s doubts were somewhat lifted as the days went by, but there were moments where she’d get so lost in her mind that Newt would have to repeat his words to pull her out of it. This continued for the rest of her life.


End file.
